So you've just heard about this "Twitter" thing and you're all juiced up to get online and start twitting [sic] the world with intimate details of your stomach's imminent contents and updates on the status of your dog's recent neutering (poor thing).

But wait! Before you're even on a roll, you find yourself suddenly unable to log in to Twitter.

Nooooo! Now how will you ask the world how to choose a flavor of ice cream to buy? Surely, you tell yourself, there must be some mistake. But no, it's the hard, cold truth - your Twitter account has been banned - er, suspended. But WHYYYY?

Stop. Breathe. The world will not come crashing down around you, despite social media's oft-repeated claims that lack of access to social networking tools will immediately cause you to become a social pariah and will ultimately reduce your chances of bearing offspring, thus guaranteeing the eventual extinction of your bloodline. Instead of panicking, consult this handy how-to guide, and then do NONE of the things on it.

How to Get Your Twitter Account Suspended in 5 Easy Steps

1) Get yourself a username like "Billl Clinton." Upload a picture of Bill Clinton. Do not, in any way, imply that you are trying to satirize Bill Clinton or that you are not, in fact, Bill Clinton. Repeatedly claim that you are, in fact, Bill Clinton. When asked if you are impersonating Bill Clinton, answer, "No, I AM Bill Clinton."

2) Subscribe to a service that sends irritating and irrelevant advertising direct messages after someone unwittingly follows you. Then, use a twitter bot to automatically follow as many people as possible, hoping that those people will be using an auto-follow service that will cause them to follow you once you follow them.

3) Find an automated re-Follow service that unfollows your followers, then re-follows them again during peak traffic hours, when they're most likely to have other viewers looking at their Twitter feed, thus knocking your avatar image to the top of their friends list and clearly identifying yourself as a desperate, desperate person with way too much time on your hands.

4) Make idle (or, better yet, active) threats of violence against high-profile Twitter users. Bonus points for tweeting the intended victim's home address and/or candid photographs taken through their windows. [Editors note: You probably shouldn't actually do this].

5) Be this guy. Not only did he get his twitter account banned (twice!!), he actually received a rare personalized email from Twitter telling him that if he made any new accounts, those would be banned too. Nice work! I couldn't get a direct response from Twitter until I DM'ed their support team and told them that I was pregnant with their love child. And even then all I got was a strongly worded cease-and-desist letter.

Note: If you actually want real information about how to NOT get your Twitter account banned, check out Twitter's Terms of Service.